My Colander Year: Finding Full From Empty

Written by Sarah B. Miller
“You’re moving where?!” was something we got used to hearing before leaving our home state.  We’d grown up there, made a life there...everything and everyone we knew was there. We had no reason to leave...until we decided it was time for another adventure.  Prior to this point, we’d experienced a lot of “big life” adventure, sure. Got married, had four kids in just over four years, bought a couple houses. Big life stuff.  Blessed beyond measure. We got to a place, though, where we’d felt a shift in what our future was going to look like. He was tired of traveling and being away from home...felt disconnected from his family.  At least that’s what he told me.
Before our upcoming week’s vacation together, to celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary, we’d dream about what it would look like to live somewhere warmer within a day’s drive to visit.  After a few ideas, we’d come to agree that Tennessee would be perfect! Not a far drive, still has the seasons, a good half-way stop to the beach...the list went on. So, we booked our coming vacation to stay in the Nashville area.  Boy did we ever fall in love. The weather, the people, the music, the food...ahhhhh, this could be home!
I’ll tell y’all why I was excited...a little back-story, if you don’t mind.  I’d known my husband since the 4th grade. I knew his family, I knew his friends.  He was funny, kind of a bad-boy...a charmer. We hadn’t really dated until we were 23 years old, after bumping into each other in our hometown.  He was the same. Funny, kind of a bad-boy...a charmer. And I? I have been doomed to believe the best in people. Always have. Always will. It’s not something I’d like to change about myself, however a little discernment never hurt anybody...
We were together for close to two years before moving to Detroit.  He’d gotten a job opportunity that was hard to pass up, and we couldn’t wait to jump!  Adventure. For the next 13 years we’d live in the Detroit area. Found a great church, met some great people, bought our first house…all the things.  
We were married 18 months before having our first child.  Then, the second...then a stillborn (our baby Trace, for whom the kids still send up birthday balloons every year)...then our third child...then the fourth.  All within the first 6 years of marriage. A whirlwind. Meanwhile, he was working from home. He’d had four jobs up to this point...eight total W2’s, and two 1099’s by the time we’d left for Tennessee.  It was a crazy time.
I was good at being at home with the kids, while cheering him on.  He was good at providing well for our family.
Ok.  Enough back-story...
I think it’s easy to see why I was excited, yes?  By the time we'd moved here, our youngest would be in full time school.  Hallelujah! I was SO excited for this next chapter...our new adventure. I was going to have more time with my husband too!  Day dates?! Glory. I was happy for the possibility of falling in love with the man I’d married, and believed in for so many years.  I was happy that he wanted to be home more...that we could enjoy this new adventure as a family. The Miller 6-pack.
I’d just assumed over the years that he was just really stressed at work.  He was juggling a lot after all. For the better part of the last four, almost five years, he’d worked a full-time job and did consulting on the side.  That should’ve been a sign. But I trust. I believe. And, I encourage. On this side of it now, I’d even go so far as to say- I enable.
For years, I’d accommodate.  I’d tried making things as easy as possible for him.  He worked so hard, and provided so well. Sure, I managed the kids and the home, but I wanted him to know he was appreciated.  I wanted to contribute in more ways, to free him up to do what he had to do. I’d make every effort to make his home his haven...his sanctuary.  That’s hard to do with four kids, and two dogs friends! I’d make it a priority to date him every other week...I made HIM my priority when he was home.  And, I’d do my best to send encouraging texts, or call with a pep talk every once in a while, when he wasn’t. It didn’t feel like a lot because I enjoyed doing it.
Still, the idea that our life would include our family growing and experiencing together enlivened me!  Adventure with my favorite people?! Yes please.
Three months in, though, things weren’t going the way I’d anticipated...the way I’d hoped.  He’d needed some time to build his business here. “To build a name for himself.” We were in a new place, where he’d had no prior connections.  Ok, sure. But… Do you really need to stay out every night...overnight two to three nights a week? Even in Nashville? Just thirty minutes from our home?
Throughout our relationship, I’d done my best to manage the manipulation and control tactics.  The lure and drop techniques. The “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and our kids” to “have you taken your meds, Sarah?”  If you don’t know what Gaslighting is, look it up. That’s what I’d lived for 16 years. Probably longer, since I’d been a believer in people my whole life...one man after another who were wrong- yet, I’d convince myself I could make them right- for me.  I could love and encourage them enough to be good for me. Because I was good for them. And I was. I was the perfect girlfriend...the perfect wife for a narcissistic sociopath.
For so long, people would say things...insinuate things.  And I’d defend him. I’d make everyone, including myself, believe that he was thinking of us.  That we were better than ever. I knew the truth, though, somewhere deep inside…I knew. But, I wanted THEM to love him...accept him...respect him once he’d finally become the man I always knew he could be.  I was confident God would redeem our marriage. Confident it was His plan.
I didn’t always know God like I do now.  I was already married with two kids when I met Jesus for the first time, in a real way.  He showed up for me when I lost Trace. He showed up when no one else did. My husband was traveling then too, and was in Boston at the time.  God continues to show up. He’s never left. And, so, I trusted Him when He said to move to Tennessee. And I led the charge. I thought I knew why He wanted us to move here, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.  No surprise there, right? His ways our higher than ours. So are His plans.
What I was certain would be unifying for our family turned out to be the uncovering of our brokenness.  We’re all broken, I know. And I embrace it most of the time, but this was a whole new kind of broken. One I didn’t sign up for.  No one does.
Yet, in His sovereignty, He knew the man I married.  And He knew me. He knew it would take something drastic to uncover my reality...our reality.  He knew I’d only see the best, only the possible, if something didn’t disrupt the mundane. Under the guise of adventure, He allowed for my absolute horror to be realized.  And He was there with me the whole time.  
You see.  In Detroit?  We had many, many people who loved us.  Back home too. I personally had many friends there, who I love like sisters to this day.  If we hadn’t moved hundreds of miles away to unify our family...if he hadn’t tried to isolate me to that end, from getting involved at church, or making new friends in our community...I’d have gone out, instead of UP.  I’d have gone out to my friends and family, seeking validation when I’d discovered his multiple affairs. I’d have gone out to my people when one of his disgruntled girlfriends had reached out to me to share about his other life in Michigan...with another woman, in another house, just a few miles from our family home.  They had a dog together, and a business. And I just thought he had a drinking problem! But. I went UP, because out wasn’t an option. After I hit my knees, and then my face? I reached UP, to God. And, in my nightmare? He gave me unrelenting peace.  
What should have been the loneliest time in my life, has ended up being the most refining time.  The best things in life can be realized out of pressure, or pain. When you trust God, they can become your purpose.  Ever wonder about your purpose like I do? Wonder what you’re made of? Well, God doesn’t...He’s always known. And, at some point He will show you…

While it’s all still very fresh, we continue to trust in His perfect plan for our family.  I never saw divorce in my story. Remember? I was confident in redemption! Certain of it.  Well, I am redeemed. My children are redeemed. And we continue to pray their dad be redeemed too.  We have tough days, but we trust in our God to help us choose joy. To sing His praises in the middle of the storm.  He’s worthy. I am not. And yet He still loves me. He has romanced me like I’ve never been before. He has shown me peace, and hope.  And when I’m floundering, and feeling like the worst mom in the world...that I’ve failed my children beyond recovery? Hope remains.  
Always hope, dear one.  Always hope. He’s faithful.